Talking about Caden and his death is beyond challenging for me. If you have experienced losing a child then you understand that the pain is deeper than anything you've ever felt - there is actual physical pain that takes your breath away. It can hit you seemingly out of nowhere and it can literally be paralyzing. It is the hardest thing in the world.

When I am missing Caden and all of the "what should have beens," I remind myself that without Caden, we wouldn't have Conner. Caden was baby A and he was ready to make his appearance much too soon. However, Caden did his best to stay put long enough to save his brother's life.

We've been so distracted by everything going on with Conner that we have not fully dealt with Caden's passing. His remains sit in a tiny box in our kitchen/living room. He has been there since the day we brought him home. Conner's tiny knitted hat that he wore when he was two pounds sits gently on top. We spend the most time in the kitchen/living room, so I feel like he is part of the family and not left alone often if he's there. I am also too terrified to move him...terrified of the feelings I don't want to feel, terrified it may appear we've "forgotten" about him. I know someday, when we are ready, we will "properly" memorialize him.

For Caden's birthday, Conner does the honors of releasing balloons to him. I imagine he uses the balloons to help celebrate his birthday. We will continue this tradition each year and use that time to talk to Conner about his brave older brother.

Caden doesn't leave my mind or heart. Happy Birthday, I miss you, sweet boy.